I chose this topic for my talk this morning in my networking group. Many, if not all, my talks are based on something in or around me at the time. Everyone deals with difficult people, and everyone has obstacles in their personal and/or professional lives. I have learned that these adversities are opportunities in disguise, and they should be embraced and nurtured. This may sound counter-intuitive; so I encourage you to keep reading to gain more insight.
When I started my business in 2007, I was exposed to some amazing books, many of them classic self-development books. One of my favorites is How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. This book was originally written in 1936 and has been updated several times since then to included some more current stories and teachings. I use it more like a manual than just a book that is read and then put on the bookshelf. When you read this book, you read a chapter, then repeat the same chapter, then go onto the next chapter. I encourage you if you do not own a copy to buy one that you call your own and mark it up. Library books are great, but it is frowned upon when you mark it up. I digress.
My copy of How to Win Friends & Influence People is nice and used. The pages are discolored since I usually carry it in my car and read a sentence or two while stopped at a light. There are plenty of pen marks noting my favorite passages and notes recapping the chapters in the back of the book.
Although this is the bulk of my topic here today, it is not the origin. The origin came from a junk fax received at the office. The topic of the seminar being advertised was "How to Deal with Difficult People". So, my question to the group is this: what kind of difficult people do you encounter in your personal and business interactions? I am not looking for gossip here, just looking for insight from others and to enlighten us that no one is perfect and there are solutions to difficult situations and solutions to deal with difficult people.
If you have ever been married and divorced, you understand difficult people. Well, maybe you don't understand them, but you certainly have encountered them. One person shared a recent situation in dealing with a difficult person where he became the scapegoat in a situation where not all the facts were revealed until late in a business transaction. It is important to remember that no matter how frustrated we become in these situations, there are always two sides to every story. So, my next question I present is: Are you motivated enough to succeed? Are you motivated enough to deal with a difficult person?
The following solutions are techniques from Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends & Influence People:
1) The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Remember this quote from Buddha, "Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love." This is especially true when your emotions try to take the reigns in a difficult situation. Often our initial reaction to a person or situation is pure emotion, resulting in taking us several steps backward instead of moving forward toward a common goal or solution.
2) Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong." Be diplomatic when you are dealing with the other person. Notice I said diplomatic, not political. This is an important distinction.
3) If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. It's always easy to point the finger at the other person, especially when feelings get involved. It's okay to be wrong; correct the problem and learn from it. Now you can move forward together.
4) Begin in a friendly way. "A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall." Sweet is good.
5) Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately. A Chinese proverb says that he who treads softly goes far. Getting the other person to agree with anything at the beginning of the confrontation can work wonders in dealing toward a solution.
6) Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Remember that the other person knows more about their business and problems than you do. You ask the questions; let them talk. Just remember to actively listen to their answers.
7) Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. It's okay to let the other person take credit for a solution, even it the idea was originally yours. You helped guide them to the answers, and that counts for a lot. Sharing the credit or letting others take credit for a job well done is an amazing feeling.
8) Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. This is very important, if not the most important. There are always two sides to every story if not three or four. Keep an open mind and watch the creative solution finding juices flow.
9) Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas or desires. Here is a couple of quotes to help with this one. "I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do." "There, but for the grace of God, go I." These are two very powerful sayings. I encourage you to read and re-read them, maybe even write them down where you can see them every day.
10) Appeal to the nobler motives. I like quotes, especially when they're from a great man like J. Pierpont Morgan. He stated that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing - one that sounds good and a real one. This is kind of like reality. There are two kinds of reality - real reality and perceived reality. Take note of both.
11) Dramatize your ideas. Be theatrical. Make your ideas sing and dance and go back out to the stage for a second curtain call.
12) Throw down a challenge. I am competitive and this one really speaks to me. This is the quote that I put on a note card and see every day when I get in my car. It is the motto of the King's Guard of ancient Greece. "All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory."
In conclusion, I want to quote Napoleon Hill who said that obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal. I encourage you not the get distracted by a molehill and start thinking it's a mountain when dealing with a difficult person. Remember that there is always a solution. It may not present itself immediately, but things will always work out just the way there are supposed to. When one door closes, another one opens, usually to something greater.
In business this means you have to ask yourself whether you are flexible in your business plan. Are you making adjustments and updating your plan as you run into obstacles? How about when you achieve success? Continually moving and progressing in business will naturally flow into your personal life. And before you know it, you are living a perfect life.
A perfect life is all in your own definition of perfect. You need to start by defining it, refining it and achieving it.
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